Sure Gintama follows Sazae-san format, but a girl still needs to grow
by Beautymoon
Summary: Complete title: "Sure Gintama follows Sazae-san format, but a girl still needs to grow, yes?" In which Kagura thinks she is cursed, Gintoki tries to work with Hijikata and Okita tries to save his man berries. ONESHOT Rating T for mild cursing, and Gintama variety of humor.


**Gintama does not belong to me. All rights reserved by Hideaki Sorachi. All hail, Sorachi-sensei!**

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_This is my very first Gintama fanfic. I still can't believe I managed to write one! I'm excited! Also, English is not my first language and I don't have beta for the moment. I did read carefully in order to not make too many mistakes. But feel free to point them out for me, right?_

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Whatever you do, be **sure** your _man berries_ are safe

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Even though Gintama follows the Sazae-san format, sometimes, for convenience sake- _fanfiction convenience sake_, there is- its characters just have to get old. Not old man, MADAO/Gorilla old- just enough for romance to blossom without the configuration of a crime. Long story short, Kagura is finally sixteen.

This fact was received in all sorts of manners inside the Yorozuya and affiliates.

Shinpachi, for example, became all too self-conscious. He nearly winced whenever Kagura would come too close, afraid he might bump into something…_bouncy_. Sure, he didn't have feelings for her other than the brotherly ones, but still.

Otae wanted to teach Kagura how to punch a stalker where it hurts. Sure, currently there was no one stalking the Yato girl, but sixteen is a dangerous age and Kagura, despite her dirty mouth, un-lady like eating habits, and violent tendencies, was actually quite cute. Otae was absolutely sure that horny teenager boys would start flocking around her like dogs after the ice cream truck.

Otose was reminiscing her old days. Of course she didn't mention her deceased husband, and still alive- that damn Jirocho wasn't good at dying easy- friend. However, her face was written with unmistakable nostalgia.

Tama, with her computerized brain so full of Dragon Quest, wanted Kagura to choose somebody like Xxxxxxx, because he was strong, handsome and a main character. Catherine made some rude comment about boobs and plastic bottles that ended up with Kagura beating the living hell out of her.

Gintoki, not surprisingly, treated the whole ordeal with his usual mask of nonchalance. However, he couldn't fool the straight man of the anime; his four-eyed co-worker. Shinpachi knew that it was the Yorozuya boss, before anyone else, who first noticed all the attention Kagura was suddenly receiving from the boys.

And it wasn't just one or two boys…

…_not three or four either_.

Shinpachi wondered briefly what _Umibouzu_ would do when he heard the thrilling "news" about his cute Kagura-chan. Maybe the Earth was not safe after all. Not to mention there was that _other_ Yato. Sure, he was probably busy doing his sociopath stuff, but Shinpachi couldn't help but wonder, what if, deep inside, there was still some brotherly love in him? Wouldn't that be even _worse_? Can you _imagine_ a blood thirsty Kamui destroying the Earth out of sheer over protectiveness? He probably wouldn't kill just a bunch of teenagers stupid enough to have a crush on a Yato with a crazy family, no. He would want to get rid of all mankind- just as a preventive measure.

_Joy_

But after mentioning so many people, there is still much to say about the main character of the whole tale: the China girl herself.

At first, Kagura didn't know what to do. She _seriously_ _didn't know_ what to do. When a brave young man of seventeen, and cute curly brown hair asked her out-

He ended up in the hospital for a whole day.

Truth be told, Kagura did not mean to punch him like that. And, despite her characteristic voice*, she was _not_ a tsundere! She had been just too embarrassed at his boldness and, in her flailing, ended up hitting the guy square in the nose.

The second boy was a smiling blonde who reminded her of a younger, boyish version of "Kintoki"**- that Gin-chan robot version. Despite this bothersome fact, he happened to love sukonbu as much as Kagura did. Gintoki had to huff annoyed at the kid's appearance, especially when the little shit gifted the Yato girl with 15 little boxes of sukonbu.

That was enough to win over Kagura. She accepted the date. The kid- _Mantoki_- would pick her up at the Yorozuya under the watchful eyes of Shinpachi and Gintoki.

"Seriously, he is _exactly_ like Kintoki! _In name and appearance_! This can't be good, Gin-san…"

Gin-san, reading his jump, just shrugged. "Who cares? She is a big girl now. It's not like I can forbid her or anything. I'm not her dad, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But we really should do something before her _real daddy_ shows up craving for blood."

If it was a strike of luck, Gintoki and Shinpachi would never know. But the fact is that in the night of the date, Mantoki didn't show up.

Kagura was the one who was less pissed. If anything, she was sad just because Mantoki had promised more sukonbu, and now she had none. Gintoki had his red eyes dangerously narrowed over his jump, but still said nothing. Shinpachi, on the other hand, wanted to teach the idiot blond a lesson.

Since it was already established that Kagura had become an attractive teenager, soon the third candidate showed up. His name was Keiji. He had deep black eyes, a pointy, kind of arrogant, nose, an easy smile and the cutest freckles _ever_. But that wasn't his main attractive point. Keiji, much like Kagura, liked to fight and fell in love with Kagura's strength.

_And also her beautiful blue eyes._

Unfortunately, even with Gintoki and Shinpachi's reluctant approval,that date also never happened. But at least Keiji had the decency of going to the Yorozuya hours before the date to explain why he couldn't go out with Kagura. It turned out his grandma, who lived in Bushu, died and he had to travel to pay his respects.

Kagura just shrugged because she was really not the romantic type. Gintoki, however, couldn't help but observe how _nervous_ that Keiji kid had been through the whole explanation- and maybe a bit _sweaty_?

Keiji was definitely lying; but _why_?

The fourth potential date came two weeks after the Keiji fiasco. Yuuki was a weird one. He was an otaku, but not like Shinpachi, more like "Toushii". Gintoki could not understand what Kagura saw in him. Rather, he could not understand what was _wrong_ with Kagura herself: first a Kintoki version and now a Toushii one? Umibouzu's daughter- can never forget _that_ little fact- just told him Yuuki would take her to watch a soccer game next Sunday.

Again, Kagura never got to watch the game. The Toushii clone got sick; something about some mysterious dango who gave him some mysterious diarrhea…

By the fifth time a guy called Kagura out, she just waved him off with a "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Seven o'clock at the Tokugawa statue."

Kagura was not surprised the boy cancelled the date. In fact, she was beginning to wonder if there was some kind of _Yato curse_ over her. Gintoki, after his tenth sake cup, just laughed with the honesty of a drunken man saying she should not worry about that. The right sadistic bastard- oooops- _guy_ was out there, just waiting for her.

The sixth one happened to be filthy rich. He was some nephew of some big shot from the Shogunate. Even though Gintoki did not like the idea of any kind of involvement with those people, the prospect of profiting out of Kagura's potential relationship could not be ignored by him, Otose, Otae, Catherine and even Shinpachi. Especially because even though the guy was loaded, he was not a self-centered bastard and treated Kagura with utmost respect.

But to crush everyone's dreams, the date never happened, and Kagura never got to see the rich kid again. The weirdest thing happened hours before the date. The kid had accidentally swallowed a _beetle_; one of those the Yorozuya and the Shinsengumi tried to hunt some time ago. _Crazy episode 65_…

"Can you _believe_ this, Gin-chan? _A beetle_! Sure you can swallow a fly, yes? But a beetle? I'm telling you, I'm _cursed_!"

"Hum…"

"Anything wrong, Gin-san?" Asked Shinpachi, puzzled at the perm-head's intrigued expression.

"No, Patsuan, not yet…"

When candidate number seven called the date off over the phone, in a voice over boarding pain and desperation- _NO, NO, PLEASE NOT THE PINKY! AAAARGH_! - Gintoki finally put two and two together.

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"OI, COME ON OUT, YOU TAX ROBBERS!"- Gintoki yelled from the top of his lungs at the door of the Shinsengumi headquarters. After three minutes of non-stop insults, the Demonic Vice commander finally appeared.

"Don't you have anything better to do, Yorozuya? Oh, yeah, I forgot: you _don't_."

"Cut me some slack, mayora freak. As much as my presence makes you happy, I came here to see the other tax robber."

Hijikata decided to not bash the sugar freak head against the wall- for now- just in order to know what the hell he wanted. "Kondou-san is probably stalking that friend of yours…"

"No, no, I mean the other, _other_ tax robber." The perm-head clarified. "Where is the sadist who has a crush on Kagura?"

It took some seconds for Hijikata to absorb the meaning of Gintoki's words.

"_Sougo_? And the _Yato girl_?" He sputtered, but then sighed on second consideration. "No wonder he has been acting all weird for the past weeks."

"Really?"

"He stopped trying to kill me, and started doing some secret business of his. Though everything I saw was him stalking this otaku on the street."

"God damn it, I knew it!" The silver haired samurai exclaimed, between pissed at Okita and proud of himself and his amazing deductive capabilities. "_I frigging new it!_ All this time! The sadist is _jealous_ of Kagura! He is the one who has been ruining all of her dates!"

"Sougo is sabotaging China's dates? Wait…Is China _dating_?"

"Well, she would if he'd actually let the dates happen in the first place. I bet he beat, threatened and even poisoned all seven guys who dared ask Kagura out."

"He might end up killing the next one…" Hijikata mused. "We can't put that past him."

However, Hijikata thought that between stopping Okita and letting one or two stupid kids die a little, the second option sounded the less hard one. So the Mayonnaise lover just turned around. Except Gintoki, who would have none of this shit, grabbed him by the scruff of his uniform.

"Wait a minute, _Hijikata-kun_…You'll not leave me alone with this bomb on my hands. You are the police, so you'd better do your damn job!"

"My job description does not include saving your sorry ass, Yorozuya!" The Bakufu dog snarled. "Just grow a pair already!"

"No, listen," insisted Gintoki, "you just said the sadist stopped attempting against your life, right? If he and Kagura actually date-"

"It will be the end of Edo. No, the _world_..." Toushi interrupted realistically.

"-then you get the sadist off your back." Gintoki kept going as if the other hadn't interrupted him. Though he had to admit to himself he had thought of the disastrous possible outcome of a relationship like that. "Not to mention you get to save many Edo teenage boys lives."

"…" Hijikata was still not convinced.

"Look," Gintoki tried again. "You'll get the sadist off your back anyway. But it will better if you, and the entire world, remain alive, no? It's not like you have anything to lose…"

"Hum…hadn't thought about that." Hijikata mumbled, already lighting the cigarette with his mayo-lighter.

"Of course you hadn't." Gintoki, with his dead-fish eyes answered matter-of-factly. "The mayonnaise already ate 90% of your brain. 5% is water and the other 5% is crap."

"_Oi!_"

"Anyways, as much as I hate the idea, I think we should work together on this one."

"I'll hate every second of it even more." Hijikata could already feel a migraine coming. "Do you already have any ideas?"

"Buy me a parfait."

"_What_?"

"Chocolate parfait."

"The hell?"

"What?" Gintoki looked at the other innocently. "I think better with sugar."

"You'll think better after you take my katana out of your ass."

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As it turned out, Gintoki and Hijikata, even thought good fighting together, could not work out a plan to hook Kagura with Okita.

Gintoki, after three parfaits, had five ideas. The demonic vice-commander rejected them all claiming they were all full of _stupid_. In fact, at some point he started to reject Gintoki's _existence_ too. However, that didn't last long because he had to counter the fist coming right towards his face.

"Ass" Gintoki, frustrated for not being able to hit the other, muttered.

"Idiot"

"Mayora Freak"

"Sugar freak"

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After more bickering, the samurai duo proved to be less than useful as they could do absolutely nothing. But they wouldn't need it. When they finally got out of the restaurant, they saw the most weird ass scene ever.

Weird even for this anime

Kagura was chasing after Okita in a mad dash, who in turn was chasing after some blonde teenager in a mad dash, and with a mad "_I'll stick my sword up your ass until you shit sword for a week!_" kind of look on his face. And the blond kid- Wait, isn't he the _Kintoki clone_ who tried to woo Kagura with sukonbu the first time?

"Well…" started Hijikata

But then the whole thing got worse because the poor guy managed to lose Okita, but not before yelling:

"I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS TAKEN!"

Yep. Definitely Mantoki, the daring and now lying bastard. If he couldn't make it to the first date, then it was because Okita had threatened him, surely.

Kagura, now more pissed then before, forgot about the run-away and engaged in fierce combat with the Shinsengumi's First division commander.

"S-see?" started Gintoki, sweating a little. "I knew my plan would work; _total_ success. I'm so awesome. You should buy me a new parfait."

"_What plan_, you moron?! You just tricked me into buying you three stupid parfaits! And _this_," he pointed with dread at the "happy couple" going all out in the middle of the street. Traffic be damned, "is a total disaster."

"What the hell did he mean with "taken"?" Kagura finally managed, "_I'm not taken_!"

"Yeah, I know, but if any other one of those stupid guys tries to woo you again, I'll have to kill him."

"You goddamned sadist! I'm a _girl_! If I want to date, I'll date, yes? Not even Gin-chan is against it. Why would you think I would listen to the likes of you?"

Okita just shrugged, as if he was not the responsible for all the chaos happening at that moment.

"Suit yourself. Just be warned that I'll ruin your next date, just like I did with the seven previous ones."

_Holy crap, he said it! He actually admitted it!_ - Gintoki and Hijikata thought simultaneously.

Suddenly, something snapped. Gintoki could _swear_ it was the very fabric of the Universe. They were doomed.

_Doomed_

"So it was YOU!"

Correction: _Okita_ was doomed.

Gintoki and Hijikata, again sharing a common thought, were now mulling over Sougo's possible destinies. Okita was so going to die. Kagura would kill him so dead, he was going to come back in order to die again. Then she would rip his balls in seven little pieces and scatter them around the universe, so Okita's soul would have to spend the rest of eternity catching them.

Hijikata couldn't help but smile at the thought. A man could dream, right?

Only, it never happened.

"Meet me tonight, at seven, by the Tokugawa statue, yes?"

"…" For once, Okita didn't try to tease China.

"If you don't go, I'll rip off your golden balls and scatter them around the Universe."

And with that, she was gone. Okita decided to walk away. He had lots of horny teenage boys to threaten. He not even knew what to do with the fact that _he had a date with China_. Sure, he really threatened all those guys, but it was just because China was…_his_.

It is not like he had _feelings_ for her or anything, no. No matter how attractive she had become. No matter how possessive he himself had become towards her. He just…

Ah, whatever. He would go and see what would happen. After such an "invitation", he wasn't crazy to say "no". _He had his man berries to take care of_, after all.

"Why all the women in this anime are so violent?" Hijikata asked to himself, but since Gintoki was still by his side, he answered.

"Because the Gorilla author made them like that. I bet it is a weird fetish of his…"

"Well, I guess all's well when it ends well?"

"Yeah…" Gintoki said; a small smile on his face. "I'm kind of proud of these two."

"Me too" Confessed Hijikata, despite Okita being a bastard 99,9% of the time. He was still Mitsuba's little brother who, in his own unique, sick, sadistic way, actually always looked up to Hijikata.

"So, about that parfait…"

"Go drink a bottle of soy sauce and die."

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_*Kagura's voice actress, for those who don't know, is Rie Kugimya. She is, like, the Queen of Tsundere!_

_**Minor spoiler if you haven't reached the Kintoki arc. Nothing too bad…_

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Hi!

So, yeah, I'm kinda nervous. As I said before, this is my first Gintama fic. I already wrote for Naruto and D Gray Man in English, so I have no idea how this turned out.

Anyways, years ago, I read this Naruto fic, and remembering it got inspired to write an OkitaxKagura one. Sure, the only similarity is the "sabotage" aspect. The Yato girl and her sadist are by far my favorite Gintama pairing. I tried as much as I could to make justice to the characters; all of them. I think they are not OOC, but that is for you guys to decide. I loved writing Gin-chan. I love how in Gintama you can break the fourth wall, no problem! 8D

Well, that is it. Not much to be said. Maybe I'll write a sequel or something else completely unrelated. xD Drop me a review and tell me your thoughts. I really need to know how my fic is.

**Moon**


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